The Mom’s Club


Published in the Woman’s Way Magazine

10th December 2004

Image of the Mom's Club

The Mom's Club

I went out with the gang from work last week to our Christmas party. It was as embarrassingly cringe worthy as usual. I drank a bottle of wine and a substantial amount of tequila. I ended up at a table with the ‘Moms Club.’
The main topic of conversation revolved around what Santa was going to bring and how their little eyes would light up on Christmas morning. Miriam is married to John and they have two ‘precious little gifts.’ She turned her
perfectly bleached head in my direction, ‘What about you, Claire? Isn’t it time you took the plunge? For some unexplained reason, I started bawling and now everyone thinks me and Kevin must be having fertility problems.

25th December 2004
Well it’s Christmas Day and thank God the nostalgia has worn off. I spent a week convincing myself that I wasn’t ready for the wonders of motherhood. What would I want a baby for? Kevin says he wouldn’t mind but wouldn’t it be better if we paid off our holiday loan and finished the house first? Of course he is right. What was I thinking?

2nd January 2005
Yesterday I kept expecting to see the grim reaper pop up in front of me. There was no sense or meaning to the amount of alcohol I consumed on New Year’s Eve and now to top it all off I think I’m coming down with the flu.

6th January 2005
It’s not looking good. I’ve been throwing up every morning this week. When Kevin came home yesterday I was almost hysterical. When he asked me what the problem was, big, fat tears slid down my cheeks and I sobbed, ‘I was sure there was a tin of beans in the press but now I can’t find them.’ Kevin looked at me knowingly and asked, ‘Is it your time of the month?’ The realization hit like a sledgehammer. I was late.

8th January 2005
I have always been the one who scoffed at women who said, ‘I don’t know how it happened.’ How dense I used to think, isn’t it obvious? All it takes is one slip-up. But after my night of unbridled passion it never even occurred to me that it could happen to me.

13th January 2005
I couldn’t stick my head in the sand any longer. So I decided to hover around a chemist shop. Where are they? I wondered. I headed towards the babies bottles and I picked up a box. I looked at it, then dropped it like a hot brick. I wasn’t ready or prepared to study the mechanisms and advantages of a breast pump.
I jumped a couple of feet when a voice bellowed in my ear. ‘Can I help you at all? ‘Um, I stuttered lowering my voice, ‘I’m looking for a pregnancy test kit.’ She beckoned me to follow her and then almost shouted, ‘What kind of a one do you want?’
Was there more than one type? I started to glow like a red traffic light. ‘What do you recommend?’
The assistant squared herself up for a detailed explanation of their range, ‘well now there’s this one…’
‘Will it work?’ I blurted out quickly. ‘Of course..’
I cut her short. ‘I’ll take it.’

14th January 2005
Two red lines its positive or one, and it’s negative. I placed the test up on the sink and paced the corridor. I couldn’t resist going back for a peep. One red line was appearing and I exhaled loudly. Was I relieved or disappointed? Just as I picked up the test to throw it in the bin I saw a faint second line appearing.
25th February 2005
I feel so sick. I dream of the day when I can keep a slice of dry toast down. Oh for a fag and a tequila. Kevin took it surprisingly well once he got over the initial shock and asked the obligatory, ‘how did it happen?’

17th March 2005
Its Paddy’s day and I am starting to feel remotely human again. I actually had a meal that I almost enjoyed. I suppose this means I am entering, ‘the blooming period.’

25th March 2005
When I was driving to work this morning a premonition kept going through my head. I was bringing an innocent human life into this world. I knew absolutely nothing about babies – while my friends and family had been doting over them I was usually to be found down the pub. Then when I get to work things definitely didn’t improve. The Mom’s Club actually started transforming before my eyes. The nostalgia and cute bootees were now long gone.

Miriam told me, with an evil glint in her eye, ‘I was in labour for 22 hours with no pain relief.’

Linda had no make-up on today and I could see the deep, dark circles etched beneath her eyes. ‘I haven’t had a night’s sleep for two year’s.’
‘The old pelvic floor thing is the worst. I can never be too far from a toilet,’ Joan added.

2nd May 2005
I had my scan today. What can I say? There really is a baby in there. Myself and Kevin haven’t stopped staring at the photograph for the last two hours. We can’t really make out much but we are fascinated that, in a drunken moment, we created a life.

25th May 2005
My waist is disappearing, my cleavage is growing rapidly and I have to face the inevitable. I always swore I wouldn’t but those fussy maternity clothes, but now even the huge jeans I bought are held together with safety pins.

2nd June 2005
I am 25 weeks now and there is definitely something happening in there. I am drinking bottles of Gaviscon by the dozen. I only have to think about eating to get a burning sensation in my chest. I used to love Italian food but now I can’t even bear the smell of spaghetti Bolognese.

29th June 2005
I just finished reading my mother-and-baby-book and now I am in a serious state of panic. The mothers in the book possess saint like qualities that I seem to have missed out on. They can sleep two hours at a time. They can live on frest organic produce. They can diagnose every infant ailment in the medical book. They have these maternal instincts that come naturally to them. Whereas in all honesty, all I want to do after giving birth is wear something with a waist and partake of an evening of alcoholic refreshments. What am I going to do?

18th July 2005
Eight weeks to go and six weeks left at work. The book, of course tells me I should be getting lots of sleep now. Don’t they realize I am the size of a small hospital and that I have an athletic soccer player in there who trains by night?

2nd September 2005
I finished work. It was a bit sad. When I go back I’ll be one of the Moms’ Club and it’ll be my turn to look on enviously at the young ones flitting in and out of the office without a care in the world.

Kevin can’t win at the moment. First he suggested my considering part-time and I snapped, ‘You just want me chained to the kitchen sink, don’t you?’ On another occasion he suggested full-time childcare and I howled, ‘You’re going to rip my baby from my arms just to pay the bloody mortgage?’ After that, he gave up.

7th September 2005
I woke up at 3am and I was having stomach pains. They must be more of those false contractions, I convinced myself. At 6am I was starting to think this could be more serious. The book flitted through my head, ‘Take a nice bath and relax,’ but then I woke Kevin. He looked panic stricken, like a light had just clicked on in his head.
Suddenly it hit home, ‘You’re really having a baby.’ He was deathly pale so I decided we’d better head for the hospital.

When they examined me I was six centimeters. I thought, This really isn’t so bad: I am more than halfway there and the pain is manageable. So when the nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural, I held my head high and quoted from my book, ‘No, I am having a natural birth.’

The book then suggested I should send out for some magazines to read while I was waiting. Kevin was only gone for ten minutes but when he returned I was telling him to go home and burn that bloody book.

After an eternity it was time to push and relief flooded through me. I had seen this on TV loads of times. Three or four pushes and I was done. Two hours later the sweat was pumping out of me. Suddenly I could hear my baby whimpering. The umbilical chord was cut, they freed her airways and then they placed her in my arms. Initially I was a bit confused. Hadn’t everyone told me it was definitely a boy?

20th December 2005
Christmas is here again and Ella is nearly four months old and, do you know it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Ask any mom and she’ll reassure you it is a wonderful experience and in time you won’t even remember the pain…


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